I know I’ve done fucked up plenty of times in my relationship and my life, but damn I’m no fucking monster. I just get tired just like the best of them. A person can only take a certain amount of bullshit before you just shut down. There are times in our lives where we sit back and just reevaluate everything. We ask are we happy where we are in life. That could pertain to any aspect of life. That can be school, work, relationships, friendships, living situations, just about anything. When you do finally realize what is making you unhappy you have to change it for everyone that is different for instance at work maybe you don’t want a new job maybe just a raise well then go for it!
My head hurts in don’t know what to say or do. Nothing I can say will make things right so I just try to shut up and keep it moving trucking forward, but I get questioned and forced to talk. Things will never get let go and when I have to talk I get yelled at or told I’m wrong and horrible. Don’t ask if you don’t want to know!
“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.”—Walter Anderson (via psych-facts, calidre)
Okay I am difficult. I can be a real son of a bitch manipulative piece of shit asshole. I admit that I know I have many flaws I am in many ways not worth the effort. At the same time I do have some really great qualities that you will not find in many other people. I’m proud to say that! Proud to say that I have qualities that are strongly desired, but my flaws can sometimes out weigh those positive qualities. I realize that. I realize that often, very often actually. The worst part about all of that is, is having to admit that I had found someone that could see right through every flaw and see only the good. Someone that sat there and all they did was pick me up higher and higher every chance they could get. Someone that when I felt like shit and looked like a mess told me stop that you’re beautiful. Don’t hide behind anything just be you be natural. To have lost that person sucks it really really fucking sucks. Someone so powerful that their amazing sweetness and kindness rubbed off on me to pass on to others. So I can make other people feel good. I don’t want that person back. That part of my life has ended and I have begun another new chapter. Ont he inside though I sit here and just hope and pray that one day I will find someone again who will give me that same feeling and make me feel that good because I feel like the goodness he left with me is begging to fade I can’t give that to people anymore. I feel empty and desperate with my emotions lately. All I know how to be is angry, manipulative, and douchey. I just need someone to call me out, shut me down, and build me back up to that glory once again someone. Give me someone I want to fight for.
Why in the fucking hell do people think it is okay to call someone before they have to work while they are trying to sleep just to fucking bitch you out about something they got to drunk to even remember. Like they yell at you for not calling or some shit, but you did or were on the phone they just straight forgot. Then all try want to do is argue with you and make it into your fault. Fuck this shit. Not fucking feeling this right now. Off to work for the day and we will see how I’m feeling by tonight. Deven may not still be the same person. Fuck people it’s me time.
So I’m on the phone and I get told to talk. Well I don’t want to honestly. I feel uncomfortable and honestly I’m not exactly sure what to talk about. I get told “just talk I just talk and that works”, however when that does happen we tend to talk about our pasts or our experiences. You talk about your past it makes me cringe on occasion I stomach it and press forward. Last time I talked about my past I got judged and told to stop talking about. So now I have nothing to talk about. We passed the how was your day?, what are you up to?, and what are you doing tomorrow?, but yet you continue to poke jokes about how I don’t talk or how walls are more interesting and it kind of kills me on the inside because the reason I don’t talk is cause you have made me uncomfortable. I guess I’m just “so boring” to you when in reality I’m afraid to talk to you.